Inviting approval?

It has happened - the invites are on their way out! I haven't sent all of them yet, but we've already had seven RSVPs - and a range of positive comments!

I'm pretty relieved about the comments - it was always going to be a risk sending e-vites, but we decided that it was a risk we were prepared to take. You can't please everyone, but  it seems you can please some people - even if you just do what is easiest for you. Several of the replies we've had have included comments about how much they liked the invite and website - some were friends, but one was an older relative - so hopefully we've not upset too many people!

I've also only had one failed delivery email, and my parents were able to provide an alternative address for that person. So now it's a case of watch this space, and hope none of them have been eaten by cyber-space or junk mail filters!

Learning to count to a hundred

I had a fab Skype chat with one of my old uni friends yesterday. She's recently had a baby, and it was great to see both of them looking so well. Inevitably, the talk turned to the wedding, and she confirmed the stories that abound on the bridal forums. People will not RSVP, and they will ask you never ending questions - even though you've already provided the answers. They will morph into people who can't book a hotel or arrange their own transport, and they'll expect you to help them.

This means I'm going to have to learn to answer the (possibly stupid) questions without getting sarcastic and annoyed. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not one of my strengths! I've managed to train myself to do it at work (in my job I get asked a lot of stupid questions by people who should know better), but even then if you're the person that asks the fifteenth stupid question of the day, you may not get a very polite response.

So now I'm going to have to transfer this skill into my daily (wedding planning) life. I'm not sure that taking a deep breath or counting to 10 will be enough - so at the suggestion of my friend I'm going to try 100! If I make it to 20 and can answer calmly, then fine - if not I'll just keep counting and letting them talk until I can.

This is just one of the many great pieces of advice I've received from my married friends. I sent them all an email asking them to share their pearls of wisdom - the key pieces of advice were to go all out on the photography, and to do what makes you happy. One friend confirmed that the details don't matter - she didn't notice that her chair covers weren't there until days after the wedding. Several people said that the most important part of the day was having your friends and family around you, but one friend said she was glad to go home the next day and relax because she was exhausted!

So I'm happy we've focused on the big things, and glad we've invited all the people who are really important to us. I am thinking of increasing the photography coverage, and I'm seriously considering the plans for the sunday. In between these thoughts I'll be practising my counting - 1,2,3...

Our guest book dilemma

I've been to weddings with guest books - but have I been to weddings without them? I have no idea - because writing in them is clearly not the highlight of my day. In fact (depending how well you know the couple) it can actually become a chore. What on earth do you write?

I always feel pressure to come up with something funny/meaningful, but often fail to achieve this. In the USA, it seems to be traditional to assign someone to the guest book, to ensure everyone signs it. In the UK, it is more commonly passed around the tables after dinner and people make their own choice whether to sign or not. I certainly feel compelled to sign when I am passed a book - even if it is with the uninspiring "best wishes."

Also, what do you do with them afterwards? (Seriously, anyone who is married reading this please tell me!) I have a yearbook from school and one from university - mainly they sit in a cupboard and get ignored. What is the point of a wedding guest book if this is where it ends up?

As with all wedding traditions that aren't important or immediately obvious to us, we set about questioning the guest book concept. What is the point of one? Where did it come from? Do we want one, or is it wasting money?

The WIC naturally has plenty to say on the need for a guestbook, and ideas for how you can spend more money on one. During my research, though, it was yahoo answers rather than the WIC that cracked me up - one person had commented that a guest book was a must as people "sign in" then add their address so you know where to send the thank you note. I wasn't aware attendance at weddings was monitored like attendance at school - and if you didn't have their address how exactly did you manage to invite them?!

On a more serious note though, it appears that this may have been the original purpose of guest books. Presumably there was a time when the couple did not get to choose their wedding guests, and the invites were actually sent out by the bride's parents. In that case, having everyone's names and addresses would be pretty useful. But does anyone actually do this now?

The there are the people who think a guestbook helps you remember who was there to share your big day. Excuse me for being cynical, but if you can't remember who was there I think you may have invited too many people who aren't important to you.

Of course, there are lots of options for personalised guest books and guest book alternatives. There are works of art your guests can help you create, or you can use a Photo Booth or video camera for a more visual 'book' (for simplicity, I'm going to refer to all ideas as 'books' for now). These sound like neat ideas, but still doesn't really answer the question of what couples hope to achieve. What do you want that book to do or mean?

For us, anything that will end up in a cupboard is pointless (we're not big on sentimental clutter). So it needs to be visually attractive in order to be displayed. Gadget thought it should look like a big card signed by lots of people - such as a work leaving card. This appealed to me too - those that know us well enough to write relevant/funny messages could do so, those that can't think of anything can wish us their best without worrying about filling an entire page. It would look relaxed and fun, not be overly sentimental, and not take up too much space. We decided that if we can achieve this, we will have a 'book' at our wedding.

We had a look at the thumb print trees, but Gadget felt they were a bit flamboyant for us. He also didn't like the idea of having letters signed like this (shame, I quite liked this):

repin from Pinterest, source currently unclear

So we went back to the drawing board, and also started thinking laterally. Gadget's first idea was to incorporate the guest book into the wedding scrapbook (USA folks will know what I mean, for those in the UK who don't it is a photo album and journal brought together with creative crafting). I love scrapbooking, and will certainly be making a wedding one (unless my mum beats me to it), so this could work well for us. I imagine it will look something like this, but with a photo in the middle of the page.

http://kelocity.com/2011/03/18/our-wedding-scrapbook-is-done/

Then Gadget threw in an idea that came slightly out of left field, but could really work for us. He suggested we got the single artwork from our first dance song printed to 12x12" and have guests sign that. This could either go into the scrapbook (I scrap in 12x12" albums) or be framed to match the LPs we already have on the wall in the UK. Having looked at the artwork for the songs on the short list, only two of them would work. Etsy could rescue us though, with something like this:

no9 images on etsy

That isn't one of our song choices, but you get the idea. I imagine giving people blue and purple pens and getting them to write round the edges. My other contribution was that we might be able to use the artwork from our ceremony reading. Without wanting to give too much away, if you had "The House at Pooh Corner" as a reading, you could use this image for your guests to sign:

image from vcstar.com

The risk with getting guests to sign an image is that they get "carried away" - and Piglet ends up with a moustache. We haven't worked out the answer to that one yet!

The first bump in the road?

When I came up with the title of this post, it very much reflected how I was feeling. Now I'm reading it, it clearly isn't true. Very early on in the planning I had two 'disagreements' with my mum (resolved when we realised we were both misunderstanding the other person); since then it has been pretty smooth sailing. So much so that when this problem became apparent, my dad said it was about time!

We wrote our guest list (provisionally) ages ago, as regular readers will know, and it was very easy. Now the time has come to finalise this list - and we're struggling with it.

Unsurprisingly, it's down to the numbers. Our venue said 56 people was the 'optimum' number of guests because it allowed more freedom with the seating arrangements. We had 54 people on the list with another few possibilities in the wings. We um-ed and ah-ed for ages (far too long, in hindsight) and then contacted the venue to ask about the seating arrangement options. Turns out the seating option that has a maximum of 56 people is the one option we don't want!

Our reception room (like most of the venue) is long and fairly thin. To me, this means the tables also need to be long and thin (i.e. rectangular), otherwise they fight the ambiance of the room rather than complimenting it. Even though we haven't actually seen the venue yet, we have seen pictures of the room set up for different events - one with rectangular tables and one with round tables. I think the round tables look awkward. The seating plan for 56 guests is made up of round tables. Guess what shaped tables we won't be having?!

Having established that we could increase the numbers, that made things much easier and meant we could sort out a few issues within the guest list. So if my friend and his partner get back together I no longer have to un-invite my old housemate, and my future-in-laws can invite some of their closest friends to share the day. I have to confess to having had a brief period of insanity about the second part of this (I don't know them!) then the laid-back, mature bride that I actually am kicked in and said that's your own fault for moving half way round the world! Gadget knows them well, and says they enjoy a good party, and cost is no excuse as previously discussed here. So I'm taking this as motivation to get to know them, and plan to ask my future-in-laws to arrange drinks when we get back.

When we add in the other possible invitees, it means our overall number will go up to nearer 60, but I think we will still keep our small, fun, low-key vibe. Which, as I've said many times, is all that matters.

Invitation wording - back to the drawing board?

I thought our invitations were done, but this weekend I've discovered they're not. We did have a great weekend though - we hit the ski slopes for the first time this year (yes Northern Hemisphere peeps, it's winter here!) and two of our friends got engaged! I may have someone to talk weddings with now!

Anyway, back to the invites. When I started designing them, I asked Gadget about the wording. He said he wanted them worded so that my parents were doing the inviting - as per tradition. At this time we thought we were paying for most/all of the wedding ourselves, but I'm unsure whether the wording should reflect who's footing the bill, or how the couple/family live. So when the funding for the wedding changed, the wording of the invites didn't. Since then we've been through several drafts of the invites, including a couple with my parents. We've reworded them to be more casual than formal ("would like to invite" rather than "request the pleasure of your company"), and dropped all the titles.

During the weekend, our friend that we went skiing with was telling us about her sister's wedding that she'd recently attended. Their invites read, "Together with their parents, Bride and Groom" etc. This made Gadget think about our wording, and realise that he hadn't actually thought about it before. He now thinks his parents should be named on the invite, but isn't sure how or where.

So I'm back trawling the internet for alternative options. I've found some funny ones (that mostly are not appropriate), but I do like this:

Mr. and Mrs. (Brides Parents)

Along with Mr. and Mrs. (Groom’s Parents)

Invite you to witness the wedding of their children

(Bride) and (Groom)

She’ll vow to do his laundry

And he’ll promise to come home at night

And at the end of every argument

They agree that she’ll always be right.

and this:

Mr. and Mrs. (Bride’s Parents)
Are delighted to finally give away their daughter, (Bride)
To (Groom), who has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.
Come celebrate at the reception we’ve waited a lifetime to throw!


both found here. I also found some ideas for RSVPs that are much more interesting than yes or no, so I'll be changing that too. 


The problem with both examples above is that they won't actually fit on our invite. We don't have a gate-fold card with 5 sides for me to write on - we have a one sided A5 invite. It's going to be hard to add another set of names without making it look crowded, even if I just keep it basic and add "with Gadget's parents" to the wording I've already got. Anyone got any ideas?


Note: I realise I'm being vague, but I'm trying not to publish the invite on the blog. There's a couple of fun things on it that I don't want people to see yet!

Modern day issues for decades of tradition

Today on love my dress, Annabel wrote this post about restrictions on photography in church. (It was actually yesterday, but the time zone thing is too confusing.) Whilst it isn't unique to churches (one of the photographers we contacted has had issues with registrars too) and I can completely see where it's come from, it is such a shame if a couple can't get the photographs they want. 


We're lucky - firstly, we were warned by our photographer that there was a risk of restrictions being imposed, and secondly our vicar has said anything is fine as long as they "don't get in the way." This sounds perfect to me. I don't want to be looking at or thinking about the camera in church, I want to be thinking about becoming husband and wife. But I want to see pictures of that moment afterwards. 


For me guests are a bigger issue than the professionals. Our photographer knows how a church service runs, and will have checked out the best places to stand, lighting etc before hand. She also knows how to use a camera - and that includes turning the flash off! I have lost count of the number of places we have been where flash photography is banned - there is always at least one idiot who can't manage this. At the Singapore Zoo night safari, they asked everyone to turn their flash off in seven (yes, 7) languages, told us twice that someone wouldn't - and several people still hadn't. This had led to other places banning photography entirely (such as the Blue Penguin colony in Oamaru, NZ) as it is a danger to the subjects (often nocturnal animals). 


The same is true of mobile phones/cell phones. There's always one going off somewhere, despite signs or announcements to turn them off. They are invariably loud and playing ridiculous tunes (I love a ridiculous ring tone - mine plays the theme tune to Fraggle Rock - but not at a wedding). If a phone rings during my wedding ceremony, its owner may find themselves going home hungry! A cautionary note to my guests - if you don't know how to work your technology, leave it in the car!!


This was quoted by one of the commenters on love my dress, and appears to originally be from Offbeat Bride. I think it's perfect:


We want you to be able to really enjoy our wedding day, feeling truly present and in the moment with us. We've hired an amazing wedding photographer who will capture how the wedding looks - and we invite all of you to sit back, relax, and just enjoy how the wedding feels. We respectfully ask that everyone leave all cameras and cell phones off during the ceremony. We ask you to refrain so we can see your faces, and you can see ours, both now & forever in the photos that our photographer will capture. Of course we will be happy to share our photographs with you afterward!


Gadget, however, will think it's cheesy, so I've found him this alternative:


Ladies and gentlemen, prior to wedding take-off, all seat backs and tray tables must be in their upright and locked positions, all bags properly stowed, and all portable electronic devices turned off and stowed. This includes cell phones and cameras.


I think I might add the first to our wedsite and Order or Service sheets, and ask Father Nick to announce something similar to the latter before I arrive. There are some signs on OBB that you can use too, but I think Gadget might object if I label our wedding "unplugged!"

Honouring my ladies

I'm not having 'pretty maids all in a row'. This is not because I don't have people who I could ask to be my bridesmaids - there are several ladies in my life who merit the title of bridesmaid. These girls are important to me, and I would love to take this opportunity to show them that. (Of course they already know, but that's not the point.) But the WIC has kicked in again, and turned being a bridesmaid into a job that costs you money. That's not what I want at all, and is why I've opted out of it.

My MOH will have only two jobs - keep me and my mum laughing, and keep the little attendants from hurting themselves. Believe me when I say the first job will be harder than the last, as the last is something she does everyday and is very good at!

Back to my friends, and the question of how to let them know how much their friendship means to me. I've asked two of them (Team Warwards, the fabulous Ms D and Mrs F) to arrange my hen night. I may ask others to be involved in the day - either helping with make-up, doing a reading, or giving out order of service sheets for the church. Whilst I realise that this is 'an honour' (I was thrilled to do a reading at one of their weddings), it is also slightly nerve-wracking and is almost asking for a favour. So it doesn't quite satisfy the brief.

I'm hatching a plan that involves champagne, some awesome phrases of thanks, much laughing and some photographs, but you'll have to wait and see how that comes together!

To evite, or to invite?

Whilst I wasn't the little girl dreaming about her wedding, there were a few things I was fairly certain about. The church, the dress colour, and the invitations. Only two of these have gone according to plan.

My family make their own greetings cards, and always have done. When aunt J got married, she made her wedding invitations (although it's a standing joke that I never actually got one!). I knew I was going to make our wedding invitations.

Well, I suppose I have, but not in the way I'd imagined. I had plans for a gatefold card tied with ribbon with a vellum insert. I even ordered card samples (luckily these were free). Then I realised the invitations need to go out in January to give everyone time to book rooms (if not booked a month before the wedding the rooms are released). We arrive back in the UK on January 19th. That means I either have to make the invitations in a bit of a rush, or I have to have them ready before then.

I didn't bring my craft stuff to NZ, as it didn't make sense. I'm not buying a whole load of new stuff, and I'm not posting all the invites from here. So that leaves me with buying them, or being "tacky" and sending evites.

I have no idea why evites are tacky, but plenty of people seem to think they are. Apparently a 'formal invite sets the tone for the day.' What if the tone of the day isn't formal? One bridal forum commenter said 'it's never tacky saving trees, and saving money is just a bonus,' which I definitely agree with.

Other commenters seem to think an email is likely to be ignored, whilst an invite will be kept forever. I think these are people reluctant to live in the digital age - it's much easier to find an email than a card, and keeping cards creates clutter.

Another odd comment is that the invite contains all the information people need. How much information can you fit onto an A5 card?! It's obvious from these same wedding forums that guests want more information than a bride can possibly fit on an invite, so even if we send invites it is for prettiness only. The info would still need to be on the wedsite, and the only people that can't look at that (grandparents) already know the info and are being driven around by my dad and my uncle.

So, after a bit of internal wrestling, I have made my peace with evites. It's not like we're sending a mass email - there will be a photoshop designed invite attached to a cleverly worded email, which will contain a link to the wedsite. Then if anyone 'loses' their invite, we can just send them another one!

Registering for...what, exactly?

Like many newly-weds today, we will have been living together for a while before we become husband and wife. Whilst my slightly religious, slightly traditional mind is telling me that the wedding is the start of our family, it is not the start of our lives together. It's just a step along the way. A pretty big step, but just a step.

We have chosen to celebrate that step with friends and family. We are asking almost all of them to travel across the country and stay in a hotel. We have guests coming from London, Wales and even Paris. The fact that they will put time and effort into being at our wedding is enough of a gift. We don't want people to feel that they have to bring an actual gift as well. No one will get cut from the christmas card list if they arrive empty handed (I have heard this said!).

Having said that, we recognise that people may want to give us a gift, just as we would/have at their weddings. Enter the wedding registry.

Traditionally wedding gifts were used to set up a house. Somehow that ethos persists in todays gift registries. It is still common to ask for plates, or towels, or serving ware. I have no idea why, and we certainly won't be asking for that (slight moment to mourn the loss of more le creuset dishes). We combined two houses worth of stuff, then promptly packed it all into my future-in-laws giant chalet-shed and left the country. We won't have time to sort through it all before the wedding, but the chances are we have too much stuff.

A new trend which I quite like, but my mother hates, is asking for contributions towards the honeymoon. I think maybe if we did it quite specifically Mum would be less opposed to it - I have friends who have registered for a day scuba diving, a candlelit dinner on the beach and his 'n' hers massages. Each of their wedding guests knows exactly what they have given the happy couple, rather than the money/vouchers just going towards the overall cost.

We chose not to disagree with my mum on this, because there is something else we don't have that we would really, really like. Something that sounds perfect for a wedding gift - it will be the centre of our family life, will last a long time and is too expensive for us to justify buying it ourselves. We want a solid oak table and chairs. Something like this:

eatsleeplive.co.uk

Unless we come up with something quite specific between now and the wedding, that is all we'll be registering for. Any contributions will be gratefully received, and properly acknowledged. Manners are an area where tradition definitely wins!

How to cut your guest list

It's actually really easy. Ready? Don't write a long list to start with.

Sounds partly too simple, and partly to have missed the point, right? Well, it is neither, I promise. When we wrote our guest list (having realised we need an idea of numbers to do the venue search), we just wrote a list of the really important people. Immediate family, close friends, people who've been there for us throughout our lives. The total was (roughly) 50. Job done.

Yes, there will be separate evening guests (not too many though), and there are possibly a couple of people who may get added. But that is all. We won't be inviting colleagues (because we may be unemployed at the time), or cousins who we haven't spoken to in years, or friendships that are limited to Facebook. We're really happy with the list, and (amazingly) so are both sets of parents.

There is a caveat. We have chosen not to invite our guests' children. This is because of our original priorities (number 4 on the no way list was a party overrun with kids), and the fact that there are so many of them. We are just having the four children in our immediate family. We have sent an explanatory note with our save the dates, so hopefully everyone will be able to find childcare and use our wedding as an excuse for a weekend away, and no one will be upset with us.

Note: the details of the budget are coming soon, but blogger has eaten my awesome chart and I have worked 6 days out of the last seven - when work is a 12 hour shift plus travel - so I haven't had time to redo it.

the wedding "party"

As I write this post, I'm pondering the terminology. Why is it that the people we ask to be most involved with the wedding are a "party"? Hopefully we will have a party with everyone, otherwise we've slightly missed the point of the day!

There are four people in our lives who were always going to be a key part of our wedding. They're all under the age of 6. Inspector Gadget has two nieces, and I have two young cousins. Conveniently they are two girls and two boys, and are fairly closely paired age-wise. The two eldest started school this year, and can be trusted to walk from me to Daddy on the big day (hopefully without too much bribery). The youngest two are both copycats, so we're hoping they'll follow on. But the youngest is a little monkey, and absolutely anything could happen!

To supervise them and support me and my mum, I have asked my aunt J to be my matron of honour. When she married 10 years ago, I was her chief bridesmaid, and she was excited to return the favour. She's also a Brownie Leader, so is used to organising large numbers of children, and the trouble-maker belongs to her anyway! Without going into the details of my family tree, J is my mum's sister but she is only a year older than me, so is more like a cousin in many ways. She also has the family craft/creativeness gene, which I am hoping to make use of!

Gadget has asked his brother to be his best man. It took him longer to ask the question, but he's not known for his speedy decision making! It means that our wedding party will all be family, which I'm quite excited about.

There will be no row of matching bridesmaids and ushers. We will ask other people to be involved with the day, but we haven't worked out what we need people to help us with yet. I have already asked Team Warwards (my old university housemates) to plan my hen night. I hope I'm in safe hands!