Making decisions together

Following our minor revelation that we only seem to argue about little things, I've been thinking about how planning a wedding prepares you for marriage.

The planning process involves some big decisions, and some smaller ones. (True to form, we've only disagreed about the smaller ones - such as the men's ties.) When it came to the where and when, that was easy. In fact, it didn't really feel like a decision. Clearly it was, but it was an obvious one.

The dictionary defines decision as:

1. A conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.
2. The action or process of deciding something or of resolving a question

We tend towards definition 1 when it comes to the big stuff, and for me definition 2 is what makes things feel like decisions. The process of consideration can be gradual, and maybe even subconscious. Whilst we did sit down with a spreadsheet about the short listed venue options, we already knew which venue we wanted. The spreadsheets were just to make sure that Gadget had enough information to feel comfortable (he likes to know about all available options).

We're currently making similar decisions in real life too. We 'decided' to leave New Zealand and go back to the UK. We 'decided' that we didn't want to return to the town we previously called home,  and that initially we would need to rent an apartment. There was no direct action or decision-making process that led to these choices, it was just a gradual realisation. We both wanted the same things, so we just needed to confirm that with a quick chat. There was no difference of opinion to solve, and no compromise to make.

Clearly, this won't always be the case, but I think it's a good sign. Whilst we might not see eye to eye about tie colours (or wall colours in the future), we will hopefully be ok with the house we want to buy.  Even if we're not, that's what marriage is about - an equal partnership where both contributors get their ideas and feelings listened to and valued.

I worry that some brides plan their w-day with their mums rather than their man, but I think today's grooms actually want to be involved in the planning process. This creates lots of opportunities to practice your negotiation and compromising techniques - or a lot of opportunities to fight. Wedding blogs are full of brides despairing that they've spent their engagement arguing - and more than they ever have before. But then you've never had to make this many decisions before, so that's probably not a surprise.

I'm trying hard to use these small disagreements as conflict resolution training, rather than simply conflict. And I used 'I' deliberately there - I am the fighter in our relationship. It's what I've grown up with, and it's hard to break old habits. Gadget has grown up with almost the opposite pattern - no arguing, but also very little sharing or discussion. So when we disagree, we approach it from entirely opposite angles. We're both having to learn to change our behaviour - clearly my loud, aggressive approach isn't helpful, but neither is his head-in-sand won't say what I think/feel.

Planning a marriage

Shockingly, the wedding is only one day. The marriage is meant to last quite a lot longer. So why do we put far more time and effort into the wedding than the marriage?

Now that all the big wedding decisions are made, we're trying to focus on our relationship/marriage. We're not going for actual premarital counselling (although might still consider it), but we are having dinner twice a month where we talk about an area of our relationship and how we can improve it. We had a fairly successful discussion about money, and a slightly less successful chat about communicating better. This is definitely the area we need to work on the most, but I think that's probably true for most couples! We did have a minor breakthrough the other day, when Gadget pointed out that we only disagree about the small stuff, and we communicate pretty well about important things. It shocked me when I realised he was right - why is that?

I got a Relate book from the library which has relationship 'exercises' in. Some of them sound silly, but they may give us something useful to work on. We're both fairly aware of our own flaws, but this doesn't mean we shouldn't discuss them and try and work on them.

Unfortunately the book is quite hard to read, and there's a lot of words to get through before the exercises make sense. I might look for a different book, or just look for exercises online. I think the "I feel blank" exercise might work for me, as I often get frustrated not knowing what's in his head, but I'm not sure if it will help him too. Anyone else tried counselling or relationship exercises? I'd love to hear what worked and what didn't!

A little philosophical

Today is four years since Gadget and I met. It's the last time this day is important, as this time next year we'll be married! So I'm feeling a bit philosophical today, and wondering how our relationship will change after the wedding.

I'd like to think it won't, but that feels very naive. It's going to change massively in the next year even without the wedding, as we'll be moving back to the UK and hopefully buying a house. I can sort of imagine how that will change things, but I can't work out how being husband and wife will be different.

Maybe I'll just have to wait and see, and be prepared for whatever happens?

On the thoughts of maybe, I found this online and thought it was fabulous. Can't find out who wrote it though.

Maybe

Maybe we are supposed to meet the wrong people before we meet the right one so when they finally arrive we are truly grateful for the gift we have been given.

Maybe its true that we don’t know what we have lost until we lose it but it is also true that we don’t know what we’re missing until it arrives.

Maybe the happiest of people don’t have the best of everything, but make the best of everything that comes their way.

Maybe the best kind of love is the kind where you sit on the sofa together, not saying a word, and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Maybe once in a lifetime you find someone who not only touches your heart but also your soul, someone who loves you for who you are and not what you could be.

Maybe the art of true love is not about finding the perfect person, but about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

The meeting of the in-laws

I remember very clearly how nervous I was when I met Gadget's parents for the first time. I didn't need to be, as they're lovely, but I was. I'm not sure if the nerves will be the same for the next meeting - my parents are arranging to meet them.

I think I'll still be the most nervous person, but it would be interesting to know how our parents view this meeting. Especially as they're planning to do it whilst we're in NZ, so we won't even get to moderate it. The date is provisionally set for next Sunday, with location still to be decided. They were going to play golf, but it seems this has been postponed for now.

I'm sure they'll get on just fine, but I guess it's quite important that they do. Hopefully they will meet again on many future occasions, and they may even spend Christmas together at some point. It must be slightly strange for them, as they are being asked to spend time with people that they didn't choose to be friends with. I know you can't choose your family (including your in-laws), but at least Gadget and I got to meet our future in-laws before we decided to give them that official role. The parents are now stuck with being "co-in-laws" whether they like each other or not! Wish me (and them) luck!

Details ahead of legalities - reverse that please!

A few conversations I've had recently, and a flick through Cosmo Bride, has led me to realise that most of us have more idea about the details of a wedding than the practical/legal side of it. This feels a bit scary to me, but I think I see how it happens.

A friend of a friend is getting married in the UK in July. Like us, she lives in NZ. She booked her wedding before she realised that UK law requires you to be in the country almost a month before your wedding. Luckily she's managed to sort that out and is flying back early, but why didn't her venue tell her that? (I see what they didn't tell her before she paid a deposit, but why didn't they tell her after?)

A couple we are friends with also had no idea that this was the case, and mentioned that it means losing out on your honeymoon time if you wanted to get married back home. France has similar rules, but Cosmo Bride completely fails to mention it when discussing an American couple's french Chateaux wedding. They do, of course, mention the love letter and lace details that ran through the day.

The other side to this was when I told some Kiwi friends that you can't get married outdoors in England (turns out you can in Scotland). This is the backbone of the NZ wedding industry, and my friends were horrified. It seems that England has some of the strictest, most old fashioned rules when it comes to weddings. Even the USA (which hasn't managed to legalise same-sex marriage in many places) is more relaxed - if you want the priest to marry you in the park that seems to be ok. Not in England - not only can you not have the park, if you want the priest to marry you you're stuck with a church, and if you're outside a church your ceremony can't be in any way religious.

In Spain, the first step in the wedding planning seems to be an appointment with the registrar to sort out the licence. In the UK, you can't start this until (I think) 3 months before the wedding, and you can't even speak to the Registrar's office until a year before your wedding. So if you want a summer wedding, you have to book the venue first.

In other words, the system is actually set up so that you have to decide on details before arranging the legal side. How crazy is that?

Born to be a bride? Not me!

I'm currently reading a book called, "How I planned your wedding." It's authors are a mother and daughter, who featured on Wedding Podcast Network's "here come the mom's" some time ago. I wanted to read the book because I've already had one falling out with my mum over the wedding, and I'd like not to have another. But that's not what this post is about.

Elizabeth (the daughter) says she was, "Born to be a bride." She's been dreaming of her big day forever, and had a lot of decisions made by the time she got engaged.

I find this interesting for two reasons. First, she's been dreaming of her day, not their day. Second, making  decisions together is a big part of a marriage, and it starts with the wedding.

I only started dreaming about our (not my) wedding when I could see that there might be one - after Gadget and I moved in together. But when we started planning I had obviously thought about things a lot more than he had.

Elizabeth goes on to say that she included all of her groom's ideas into the day (although he didn't request much), and that they sat down and prioritised their budget together. She says sometimes the conversation got uncomfortable, but that it "laid the groundwork for future financial decisions."

Hopefully we can achieve this too, because for me that's what's at the heart of a wedding - the groundwork for the future.

Why has the start become the end?

A wedding is the start of a marriage, but for many brides it has become an ending. It ends the engagement period, where they eat, sleep and breathe weddings. All conversations and thoughts are related to the wedding, and hours of their lives are devoted to it.

And then it's gone. All over, in a day. Sure, there's a honeymoon to relax on, and then the photos to look at and thank you's to send. But what then?

That's when the "wedding blues" or "postnuptial depression" can kick in. According to this article, it's a combination of realising marriage isn't perfect, and not knowing what to do with all the spare time that isn't now devoted to the wedding. Basically, it's reality not living up to fantasy - and you're not exempt if you already live together.

Judging by this post, you're also not exempt if your post-wedding reality happens to look like many people's fantasy. This bride went on a round the world trip/honeymoon - and still found herself "lost."

Professional counsellors suggest preventative measures - scheduling events for after the honeymoon, and being prepared to become "we." We are hoping to buy a house shortly after the wedding, which will occupy some/most of the spare time, but we're also trying to prepare for our life together. So far all the 'living together' we've done has been fairly temporary (that's what happens when you run off to the other side of the world) - and I think we could be in for a shock when it becomes permanent. But forewarned is forearmed, right?